It's either a ARIES thing or a human thing. To always think that that could have been better when you are settling down on something new. I always start off with no confidence, stinking low self-esteem and an incredible sense of failure.
I hate myself for this. Having second thoughts when I should be on the ball, moving on and getting into the flow of things.
However, I love myself for the coping mechanisms. I tell myself that I have to do it and so push myself to the extremes.
My personality tests tell me that I am an extrovert. I laugh. I am seriously not. I love to be at the backstage of everything. I love the idea of putting things together and cherish the end result. But, I can never be the centre of attention. I can never make friends easily. I am so guarded. I am so afraid. I hate to have to introduce myself and forge new bonds. I am so not sociable. I always need a trigger to help me make the first move.
So now, I am back to telling myself that I HAVE TO DO IT. Am I doing something beneficial or is it just a waste of time and money? That is something time would tell but I am determined and mule-headed to never make it the latter.
I am back to working hard as ever. And at times, I get angry for not getting the real fruits of my labour. I hate going back home late nearly everyday. I hate not getting to see my mother and having a chit-chat with her. I know she is hating it as well. I hate sleeping late and waking up feeling that I never slept at all. I hate not having time to do my personal things and they always end up getting postponed. :(
Sheesh... Of late I have been thinking a lot about my career and sometimes I think I should have just shut it and taken up Mr Michael's offer. *HEAVY SIGH*
Teaching is what I love but somehow I do not see myself doing it as a sole job. It has always been a supplementary job and I hope it will remain that way for a long time to come.
I think I am done with my ranting. I had to get it off my chest. :)
*Durga I cannot wait to see the makeup!*
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